“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
fr
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
crying
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks