If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
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Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Get in loser we’re going crying
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.