I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
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There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
what kind of cook setting is this??
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk