[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.