If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
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I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
True.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
“What movie?” 🤔
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Remember folks 😂
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏