I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
A ghost story
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.