covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never