They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
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Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*