[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
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always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Dead sexy!!
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I have so many questions.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
whatcha thinkin bout
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.