I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
this is the best interaction on twitter
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*