We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
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😂😂😂😂😂😂
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race