My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
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me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Cardio Made Easy
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)