Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
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*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder Iâve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldnât possibly get any louder, please stop by my parentâs house right now
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Iâm so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg theyâre SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: Whatâs Tinder?
Me: Itâs a game site.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
You didnât hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! đ
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Thereâs a fine line between âI slept greatâ and âwhat did I do to my neck?â
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Them: Youâre too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? Weâll see about that
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit