There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
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Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.