My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.