“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake