My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Baller is short for ballerina
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?