Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
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Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.