ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
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My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
This is the best one I’ve seen
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
there’s probably a fee though
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?