The news in a nutshell.
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“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.