Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
23. the denim jacket
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”