Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
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My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
you will never know the true number of layers
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.