Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
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[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way