Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
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How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.