I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
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Monday
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Get in loser we’re going crying