I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
When your man makes a valid point
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
He-man has a Masters degree
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.