shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
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My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…