I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
This kid is a star!
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*