My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
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Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Aaaa…CHOO!
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Cats are still liquid.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.