S/o to @funTweeters .
You Might Also Like
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.