You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.