Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I like crazy people until they notice me
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no