I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
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Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude