Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
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“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.