Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
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My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.