Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
just got my engagement photos
This January has 47 Mondays
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.