Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
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Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
fourth time’s the charm
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”