My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
smh
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”