I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”