Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
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Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”