I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.