i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
It be like that sometimes 😆
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead