Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
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ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.