A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
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robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza