Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
There’s only one good girl here!
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.