I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
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[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain