*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
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[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear