The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
December birthdays be like…
#Caturday
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My birthstone is kidney
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.