Canadian owl: Eh?
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He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*power walks to the refrigerator*
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I can’t wait!
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.