My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.